"Things Aren't Always What They Seem..."
By: J-Boogie.
MiSTed by: Capt. Bungie (in Unusual/Original Format...again)

Notes, Disclaimers, Apology, Credits, etc. at the end.
And now, "Enjoy! Or I'll hunt you down and kill you!"

Live from Space Station Lakita...

Cyberspace Review Theater 500 !

A South Park Fan Fiction MiSTing 

By Captain Bungie

Based on a concept by: 
Joel Hodgeson and Best Brains, Inc.


"Things aren't always as they seem......"

1. _emphasis_ 
2. C&C = Comments and Criticism 
3. MST3k = www.mst3k.com
4. o/~ singing o/~]

[Est. Shot: The main room of an apartment, with hallways and doors
leading elsewhere. The windows just show stars, however. Against the wall
is an oak entertainment center, holding a big TV, an audio system plus
subwoofers, some cupboards, and a VCR. Set at the farther wall is a futon
couch. A sofa with the same design as the futon sheets is on the
left(past which we can see nothing), a bookcase against the right wall,
and a coffee table is in front of the couch, one that has some snacks and
drinks strewn around on it. Behind the sofa and bookcase and alongside
the couch are a pair of lights; the only lighting fixtures in the living
room. Zoom in on the 3 people sitting on the couch, who are arguing.]
Lichen[Sits on left; wearing a Ryoko T-shirt and black jeans, but also
has a vibrosword in a scabbard attached to his belt]: So, if we're
watching this, and saying stuff, we're giving C&C.

Rob[Sits in middle; is in 'Rifts' Mega Juicer red-on-white light armor;
however, he has replaced his chestplate, shoulder pads, and guantlets for
a plain white shirt, though his chemical pack can be seen under it.]: No,
we're MiSTing it.

Lichen: Wait a sec. MiSTing has to have characters from MST3k to be a

Rob: No, it just has to have C&C with humorous comments!

Trent[Sits on right; A long black haired man, goatee. He is wearing a
trenchcoat and black denim cargo pants.]: You are both wrong. It's a
pop-up review!

Rob, Lichen: What?!

Lichen: Hell, no! A review is when you just comment on it, and don't
insert the comments within a modified version of it!

[Jake the Star Turtle enters, holding a six pack in one hand and some
munchies in the other.
Jake looks just like a giant turtle, and is holding a tape in his mouth.
After he pushes it into the VCR, he eases himself - backwards - onto the

Jake:[exasperated] Look, either way, we're going to watch this and
comment on it, okay? And if any of you decide to try and make a funny,
then go ahead!
Rob:[picks up remote] Fine. [mutters] Should be a MiST...[hits play]

[As Rob hits play, all the lights go out, and the view switches to right
behind everyone and facing the screen. Their silhouettes can be seen.]

Jake: Today, Bungie sent us a South Park fan's story, of all things.

Lichen: Where _is_ our friend in the white and black, anyway?

Rob: I heard Davey read his last MiST, and now Star Mech's after him.

>~One Shots~

Trent: Hm. A series...of oneshots?
Rob:[announcer] This week on E! One Shots...

>~South Park~

Lichen: Not many South Park fanfictions around...
Rob: Well, you're forgetting the anime crossovers.
Lichen: No, I didn't.
Trent: There aren't many fics other than x-overs because the creators are
stretching the premise as it is.
Jake: Odds are Comedy Central would sue, besides.

>~Things aren't always as they seem......~

Lichen: There's a nice alt.conspiracy title.
Rob: There's no mention of how Clinton lied in it, though...  

>By J-Boogie.

Jake: As opposed to J-Money, J-Murder, MC J-Boogie, J-Dawg, J-Booty,
DJ-Boogie, Master J, Dr. J,-
Lichen: Stop that!

>Started 11/13/97

Rob: -And never ended.
Lichen: o/~ This is the fan-fic that never ends,/ it just goes
on and on my friends, / J-Boogie started typing it not knowing what it
was - o/~ Er, I forgot the rest.

> Now here's another very cool show. If you haven't seen
>yet, you won't get many of the jokes, 

Trent: -or have any idea what's going on.

>if any. If you have, enjoy!

Trent:[cheerfully] Or I'll hunt you down and kill you!
Rob: Trent, that horse is dead. Let it go, man.

>Key Notes: ("Thought") = What it says.

Lichen: Simple enough to remember...
Rob: You know, I just realized that we can't really use any South Park
riffs in this.
Lichen:[exasperated] Rob, except the fact that this is a C&C!
Rob: Stop living in denial, kid.
Jake: Alright, break it up, the story's starting...


Lichen: It's been done, Rob.

>It was a quiet day in South Park. 

Jake: If you ignore the blatant swearing by the 3rd graders and unnatural
relations with chicken, of course...
Trent: You know, you could start nearly any story with "It was a quiet
day in [blank]".

>If you ignore the various UFO's or black
>helicopters that fly past. 

Rob:[announcer, cheery] And if you enjoy UFOs and government coverups,
then come visit     _-_Land, and bring the family! Ride the Hollow Earth
Conspiracy Log Ride! Encounter new life in Grey Pavilion! And check your
room for phone taps and electronic bugs in the Paranoia Hotel!
All except Rob:[clap]
Jake:[announcer] From Net.Loons Enterprises: the people who brought you

>If you did, then you're a South Park resident. If
>you didn't, then they'll just say you're paranoid. Anyway, Stan, Kyle,
>and Kenny were waiting for the school bus.

>Stan: "Have you ever wondered why Ms. Crabtree is always late with the

Jake: Ah, it's the 'Dairy Farmers Town Meeting Transcript' format.

>Kenny was brooding. Nobody knew, but he probably was the smartest person
>in the whole town, if not the state. 

Rob: Kenny also used to be the princess of the Moon Kingdom, ten thousand
years ago...

>("These peons couldn't hope to match my intelligence, 
>and yet I spend my time 
>with them. Yet, they have been the
>best companions that I have had yet. But, it sure doesn't take much to 
>please them.")

Trent: Well, it's not really an inclusive group - just say something lewd
about Cartman's mom, and you're in!

>Kyle: "Hey! Maybe she has another job!"

Lichen:[kyle] Dude! Mrs. Crabtree just beat Jeff Gordon in NASCAR!
Rob:[gryphon] Dammit!
Jake:[groans] No one's gonna get that ref, guys...

>Cartman: "She's probably a working woman."

Rob: I could say something here, but I get the feeling those kiddies are
going to anyway...

>Kenny could have told them what he really wanted, but his parka
>him from doing so. It is actually a secret, governmental device which 
>prevents him from saying anything intelligent, 

Lichen: -which is why Kenny, a 50-year old midget, never got out of 4th
Rob: Hey! Those are _my_ midget jokes, man!
Trent: Here come the plot devices...

>so he answers the best
>way he can.

Rob: -By humping Stan's leg.
Lichen: ROB!!!
Trent: A complex series of bodily functions, perhaps?

>Kenny: "Mrphphghlmrphphgda."

All: Oh.

>Stan: "Maybe that's why her teeth are so yellow all the time."

All: Ew.

>They all laughed at that. Kenny meanwhile was thinking about all the
>he has died. Yes, he does remember them. He is actually an immortal, who
>gets resurrected each time he dies. 

Jake: ...Plot devices up the wazoo...
Rob: So, when Kenny says "Mrphphghlmrphphgda," he means to say "I have
inside me blood of kings!"
Trent: South Park/Highlander...yuck...

>Fortunately he has not had to feel
>whenever he died, and actually wondered how he would buy it this time.

Rob: At the whim of the author, of course.

>Kyle: "Wasn't that your mom's last job, Cartman?"
>Cartman: "Goddammit! She said that was the only way she could pay her
>through college!"

All: [snickers]

>Stan: "But I thought she didn't go to college...."
>Cartman: "Eh..screw you guys!"


>Kenny: "Mphglgdaphrdaphda."
>Kyle: "Yeah, that's probably what his mother would do if we had a

Trent: I believe he was trying to say, "McCloud?!"

>Cartman: "I'll kill you, you piece of crap!"

>Kenny chuckled to himself as Cartman tried to hit Kyle with his chubby
>little arms.

Rob:[imitates Cartman's sounds of exertion as he attacks kyle

>Stan: "Hey! Here comes the bus!"
>Crabtree: "Get on the bus! We're running late!"
>Kyle: "Yeah, we're always late, you stupid whore....."
>Crabtree: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!"

Jake: Rob! Cut it out!
Rob: 'kay, fine...

>Kyle: "Uh...I said to wait for the bus is a putrid bore...."
>Crabtree: "Oh....well sorry for keeping you waiting...."

Trent: dash dash dash dash dash-

>At the mayor's office, her dishonor, the mayor herself, was having a

Rob: Heyyy...
Trent: Now _you_ stop.


>Mayor: "Come on, Officer Barbrady, chuck those skivvies and let's mud 

All: GAH!
Rob:[strained] Must...block...mental image...
Lichen: Well, I can assure you this paragraph has nothing to do with the
chinese mafia.

>Intercom: "Um, Mrs. Mayor?"
>Mayor: ::presses a button:: "What is it?"
>Intercom: "Mrs. Mayor? You have to push the button marked transmit...."

Rob: I think she just speed dialed Graviton City...

>Mayor: ::presses transmit:: "I know that you peon! Now what is it?"

Lichen: 'Peon'?

>Intercom: "The mayor of Middle Park is here. He wants to talk to you."
>Mayor: "Oh, tell him to bugger off, I'm having a party here!"

Lichen: 'bugger'?
Rob:[Mayor] And Barbrady's the cake!
All:[pause, then] EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

>Intercom: "Yes, mayor!"

Jake:[imitates stewardess] Welcome to the interlude. Please keep your
hands to yourself during the interlude, and follow all signs. You can
deposit your children in the nursery to the right. Please enjoy the

>The Mayor of Middle Park was not pleased. He was drunk and ready to

Lichen: There's a North Park, but I dunno about 'Middle'...

>He sulked all the way back to his own town, thinking of revenge. Then he
>got it: He'll bomb the entire town into the ground! Yes, that would
>her to ban HIM from a party.

Trent: You're better off, pal...

Jake: [imitates stewardess] Thank you for reading the interlude. Please
leave through the exits at the left and right...


>Back at South Park Elementary, 

Rob: -The final battle between moonies, anti-moonies, and anti-anti
moonie MSTers began.

>Mr. Garrison was teaching his....unique
>view of world history.

Trent:[garrison] So, children, when the Space Nazis invaded the Voltron
Force, we were forced to ally ourselves with the Thundercats...

>Garrison: "So you see, kiddies, Genghis Kahn rode the missionaries out
>Russia because they had tried to steal the ark of the covenant from
>And then...."
>Pip: ::raises his hand::
>Garrison: "Yes, pip?"
>Pip: "Well, sir, are you sure that these statements are correct? If I
>remember correctly, missionaries didn't even GO to mongolia until
>Kahn was very well dead....."
>Garrison: "Are you paid to teach, Pip?"
>Pip: "Well, no..."
>Garrison: "Then shut up."
>Pip: "Right-o, sir."

>Kenny sighed inwardly. {"Ah, Mr. Garrison: Idiot to the extreme. And
>what is with that stupid hand puppet?"}

Rob: It's not a puppet, it's his 'lifetime companion'

>Kenny: "Mrphglphddaphfa?"
>Garrison: "Yes, Kenny, you may go to the bathroom."

>Walking out of class, he walked to his favorite spot, the bomb shelter.

Trent: It _would_ be his favorite spot.

>Nobody had been there for years, and it looked like only he knew about
>As soon as he got there he heard explosions all around, so he ducked in
>shut the door tightly. 

Rob: Oh no; Cartman's anal probe got triggered by bean dip again!

>After about half an hour or so, the explosions 

Rob: Wow. Cartman can really rip 'em, can't he?
Lichen: Rob...

>Waiting a few minutes more, he went to the door and opened it

>Everything was obliterated. The school was in ruins. The whole town was

Lichen: The horror, the horror...so, what's on Fight Scene?
Jake: Cut down on the obscure comments, Lichen...
Trent: It's almost over, anyway...
>He felt bad for a bit, but then realized that he survived.
>all this time, he hadn't died! 

Trent: Now we _know_ it's a fan fiction.
Lichen:[matt stone] Look, I created Kenny as a character I could kill. Is
that so wrong?

>Yes, perhaps things were looking up.
>Unfortunately, all the bombing caused the nearby volcano to blow,
>flaming rocks of death. And as Kenny looked up to see one of these rocks
>zoom down to his location he could only think, {"Oh bugger......"}

Rob: You know, I really can't see Kenny even _thinking_ "Bugger", of all
things. _Or_ 'peon'.
Lichen: He'd say something that starts with a 'F' and ends with an 'L'.
Trent: Those with dirty minds are now working overtime...


Jake:[stewardess] Welcome to the epilogue...
Rob: Jake...

>Up in heaven, everybody was watching.

>Kyle: ::gasps:: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny! You bastards!"
>Stan: "Actually they killed all of us."
>Cartman: "Son of a bitch....."

Lichen:[Kyle] Dude, this, like, sucks ass, dude!

>Jesus: "Oh, don't worry kids. I've talked to God, and you'll all be back

Jake:[Jesus] Right after He gets done wagering your souls in a foosball
deathmatch with Malebolgia. Gum?

>Stan: "Wow, even Kenny?"
>Jesus: "He'll be back on his own. And you won't remember any of this."
>Cartman: "Crap."
>Jesus: "So, would you like some cheesy poofs?"
>Kyle: "Sure!"
>Cartman: "Yeah, cheesy poofs kick ass......"

>Well, hope you enjoyed that. Sure was fun writing it. I could see them
>all of this. 

Trent: That _should_ be a requirement for fanfiction writing, if any.

[The fic ends. The lights go back on, and the view switches back to the

Jake: So, what did you guys think?

Lichen: It was alright.

Trent: Could have been more tuned to the style of the show.

Rob: If you ask me, there was more than just a bit of the Fic Author's
Bias going on, but other than that, it was fine. Nothing horrible.

Jake: My thoughts exactly. Well, Goodnight Everyone!


[{fwissshhhhh}fade out]

Notes, Disclaimers, Apologies, Credits, etc.

I'd go back and edit the metaMST(and not at 1:30 am, like last time), but
it's too late now...sorry, Davey-kun...

Hopefully, this one will have actually been _funny_(imagine that)...of
course, actually _being_ funny might help me out, now that you think
about it. But if t contributed in any way from keeping Dr. Thinker and
Jenny Erdahl from meeting, than it did its job.

Anyway, this is MSTie numero 3 for me, and I changed the format yet
again. I'm just gonna keep changing it around until I find one I like
Actually, the reason is because two thirds of the MiSTs I've been reading
lately are in this format, or have guests, or self insertation, or
something. So, I like it, and will stick with if I actually get good C&C
on it(yeah, like _that_'s gonna happen). Next one will be 'canon', tho,
but someday...

Dark Kingdom Attorney Legalite Sez:

"Things aren't always as they seem......" was penned by J-Boogie. No
offense meant; just think of this as a fanfic review, with many humorous
comments thrown in for good measure.

"South Park", however, was not written by J-B, and is owned by some other

"Rifts" is (c) and (tm) Palladium Books.

Jake the Star Turtle, and Station Lakita was created by the lyrical Aaron

All MiSTer characters were created on a dark and stormy night by No
Tomorrow Productions, except for Jake

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are 
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. 

This phile - erm, _file_ may be archived, distributed, etc. anywhere as
long as it is complete, with all notes and disclaimers intact.

Send complaints, dirty *.jpg files, flames and Meta-MiSTs to:  

Captain Bungie.

Finished MSTing 9/04/98, 18:09 pm

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