The Magical Grapefruit Of Love

Some actual E-Mail SPAM, MSTied by Tom Smith

-- ((( TWAAAANNG!! )))


       (Satellite of Love Desk.  Mike is sitting cross-
legged on the desk, wearing a bandanna over his hair,
square granny-glasses, a tie-dyed shirt and ripped jeans.
He's strumming a guitar.)

MIKE:  (singing) ... One toke over the line, sweet Jesus,
       one toke over the line... sittin' downtown in a
       railway station, one toke over the line....

       (Crow and Tom Servo pop up on either side in
extreme close-up in the lower corners of the screen.)

SERVO: (sotto voce) Hi, everyone!  Welcome to the Satellite
       of Love.  I'm Tom Servo, and this is Crow T. Robot.
       And the human behind us is Mike Nelson.
CROW:  (s.v.) Right now, he's indulging in a favorite
       modern pasttime -- reminiscing about something he
       didn't actually experience.
SERVO: (s.v.) In this case, the original Woodstock.
MIKE:  She's a hohh-ohhnky-tonk woman...
       (s.v.) Help us!

       (Red lights flash.)

CROW:  Oh, look, Jimi Hendrix is calling.
SERVO: I never thought I'd be happy to see that light.

       (Deep 13.  Dr. Forrester, looking cranky.)

DR. F: WILL you STOP that inFERnal RACKet?  I'm TRYing
       to get some WORK done down here!


MIKE:  (singing) ... 'scuze me while I kiss this guy.
CROW:  How does he make his voice do that?
SERVO: Well, he did have years of stagecraft --
CROW:  Not -Mike-.  I mean Dr. Forrester.
SERVO: I dunno.  Maybe a Geekish Gaming Goth has Gotten
       into his Gopher.

       (Deep 13.)

DR. F: Actually, my little flower children, I've been
       finding some fascinating items in my E-mail.
       Let me share one with you.  (laughs evilly)

       (S.O.L.  Mike is tied up in his tie-dye and
bound with his bandanna, struggling while Crow and Servo
gleefully snap his guitar strings with wire cutters.)

       (singing) The answer, my friend, is blowing in
       the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind....

       (Lights and sirens.)



MIKE:  ... Do you know hard it is to -get- guitar strings
       up here?
CROW:  Why do you think we snipped 'em all twice?

> =======================================================

CROW:  Brought to you by NutraSweet.

>                Magical Grapefruit of Love

ALL:   (singing) Carmen Miranda's Ghost is haunting
       Space Station Three....
>     This is the Magical Grapefruit of Love.

SERVO: This is -not- my beautiful house.

> It has been bequeathed upon you by someone who thinks
> you are really cool.

MIKE:  But who doesn't actually know you.

> This person might be your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover,
> pal, homie, Hausfrau, neighbor

CROW:  Or Tony, down in Cyber-Marketing.

> or someone else you don't even know.

SERVO: But... I -do- know all those other folks.
MIKE:  (creepy) You only -thought- you knew them.

> This person finds you rather interesting, possibly even
> attractive,

MIKE:  Your E-Mail address is very erotic.

> and just generally thinks you're a pretty good excuse to
> be alive.

CROW:  In fact, they claim you as a dependent.

> Whether this person actually IS attracted to you is
> another question.

SERVO: For the police.

> This is merely a token of affection for you to wonder at
> and appreciate.

MIKE:  I wonder at who would consider this a token of
CROW:  I can appreciate that.

> The proper response, upon reciept of the Magical
> Grapefruit of Love

SERVO: Is to give the UPS man $19.95 C.O.D.

> is a hug,

CROW:  I will love it and hug it and squeeze it and pet it
       and name it George.

> or a message of thanks,

MIKE:  Thank -you-, Grapefruit Man!
SERVO: Just doin' my job, ma'am.

> if this person is too far away to hug within a week
> of receipt.

SERVO: You know, if -I- received someone, I'd hug 'em
       right away, just to see if they're fresh.
CROW:  I don't know about them, but -you- are.

>  Basically, the Magical Grapefruit of Love

MIKE:  Has a wonderful plan for your life.

> is a way to say "Hey, you're really damn cool, and
> I want you to know that."

CROW:  I could've told you that in person, or bought you
       a gift, but I thought insipid New Age E-mail spam
       would set just the right tone.

> Sorry if you were disappointed that there is no actual
> citrus fruit contained in this letter.

SERVO: I managed to squish half a banana into my floppy
       drive, but it must have been incompatible with
       Z-modem or something.

> Unfortunately, at the time of writing, that miracle
> of science that allows grapefruit to travel through
> telephone lines had not been perfected.

MIKE:  Ohh, the jokes that leap to mind.
CROW:  None of which we can say in a family post.
SERVO: Ahh, you guys aren't just working hard enough. See,
       I'm thinking AT&T will combine with Kellogg's to
       create Fruit 'n' Fibre Optics.
MIKE:  D'ohh!

> But be consoled by the fact that someone thinks you're
> really a rockin' guy/gal,

CROW:  If you think we're so cool, why don't you even
       know what -gender- we are?
MIKE:  Perhaps this post was intended for Wesley Snipes
       and Patrick Swayze.

> and would most likely help you out if you had a flat
> tire somewhere in the same state

MIKE:  Excuse me!  I've got a blowout.  Are you the guy
       who E-mailed me a magic grapefruit?

> (or within a one or two hour radius, depending on
> the size of your state).

SERVO: The Magic Grapefruit Road Crew, on patrol.

> The sender of the Magical Grapefruit of Love only
> asks one thing of you--

CROW:  A herring!

> (besides the aforementioned hug)

CROW:  ... Oh.

> that you bequeath this Grapefruit of Love on someone
> else.

SERVO: -gasp--wheeze- And to my nephew, I leave this
       intangible, text-based Magic Grapefruit of Love.
CROW:  I'm having you declared legally incompetent, do
       you hear, INCOMPETENT!

> The Magical Grapefruit of Love grows in power as it
> is shared,

MIKE:  Oh, great.  Now you have to keep your E-mail in
       the fridge or it spoils.

> and someday you may receive this Magical Citrus Entity
> again.

SERVO: Oh, so now it's an entity?
CROW:  Colossus: The Grapefruit Project.

> Send it on.

CROW:  I'd like to buy a noun, Pat?

> Remember the elation you felt the first time you
> received it?

MIKE:  Dear God, I -love- wasted bandwidth.

> If you send it on, you may feel this again.

SERVO: This is getting -really- weird.

> This is not a chain letter.

MIKE:  This is not my beautiful wife.

> Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't send
> it on,

SERVO: This guy/gal really knows how to motivate.

> but think of the bright spot it might put in the
> day of someone you think is extra marvy.

CROW:  Sounds like an item at Chuck E. Cheeze's.

> ===================================================

SERVO: Mathematics.  Think about it, won't you?


       (Satellite of Love Desk.)

MIKE:  Well.  What is the lesson we can learn from this?
CROW:  You mean -besides- "Some people spend too much
       time on the Usenet"?
SERVO: Actually, I'm reminded of the episode of Gilligan's
       Island when they didn't have any oranges.
CROW:  Oh, and they were all going to die of scurvy?
SERVO: Well, not really, because there were eight zillion
       lemons and grapefruits and other citrus fruits.
CROW:  Yeah, and they put their lives in the hands of
       the single person likeliest to seal their fates --
MIKE:  Yeah, well, guys, this is not exactly news.
CROW:  ... It's not?
MIKE:  Of course not.  It's been well established for
       over twenty-five years that Roy Hinkley actually
       dominated and terrorized the other six castaways,
       taking cruel liberties with poor Mary Ann and
       playing her off of the sultry, manipulative, but
       basically good-hearted Ginger.
SERVO: This is incredible.
MIKE:  No, it's not.  They built huts to typhoon- and
       volcano-resistance specifications, they had
       pedal-powered vehicles, windmills, and invisible
       ovens capable of turning out perfect cocoanut
       creme pies... advanced engineering that only the
       Professor could have known.
CROW:  Well, Mrs. Howell's definitely out.
MIKE:  But only -once- did they ever make a real effort
       to fix the Minnow, and only -once- did they ever
       build a raft!
SERVO: (gasp) You mean --
MIKE:  You already reached the same conclusion, my friend!
       The Professor didn't -want- to be rescued!
CROW:  No!
MIKE:  It all makes sense.  The specific episode you
       mentioned shows that the Professor is keeping them
       in the dark.  Do you mean to tell me that he never
       saw a single lime on the island?
SERVO: Well, then, actually, that shows what jerks the
       rest of the castaways were.  I mean, none of 'em
       knew that there was Vitamin C in pretty much -any-
       citrus fruit.  Y'ask me, it's pretty much proof
       that they deserved to be brainless proles.
CROW:  Or given some virtual grapefruit with virtual
       vitamins, which would bring them virtually to
       Death's Door!
MIKE:  What do you think, sir?

       (Deep 13.  Dr. F is working at a table, when a
grapefruit rolls across it and bumps his hand.  He picks
it up and looks at it.)

DR. F: Oh... no.

      (Off-stage, the doo-wop theme from the PBS game show
 "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" begins.)

      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,
      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,
      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,

     (At the "POW", the big door at the back begins to
open.  Through it comes the group Rockapella, jamming
in a conga line.)

      She's a Latin entertainer,
      Come from somewhere out in Spain-a,
      And her neck she'd always sprain-a,
      From those backets on her head.

      Now she does a ghostly rhumba
      Up on Space Station Number
      Three --
      Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

      (A ghostly glowing Carmen dances through the
door, taking her place at the head of the line.)

      Straight through Customs she can hurdle,
      With a grapefruit in her girdle,
      And her cocoanut milk won't curdle
      'Cause it's fresh from the undead.

      She's wild and she's curvy,
      And she'll save the crew from scurvy,
      Tell me --
      Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

           Why is she a spectre?
           Could no one protect her
           From Hannibal Lecter,
           Mike Tyson, or what?

      (They grab a startled Dr. F into their conga line.)

      Well, we don't know why we got her,
      Coulda been Horse Tamer's Daughter,
      Or a Lamb gone to the Slaughter,
      Or a -- Death Sheep From Hell.

      But she's wild and she's pleasin',
      And I want more of her fresh squeezin',
      Tell me --
      Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?
      Where on the ship is Carmen Miranda?

      (The conga line heads out the big door.
Dr. F looks back over his shoulder.)

DR. F: Don't laugh, Nelson!  You're next!

      (And he tosses his grapefruit on the button.)

      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,
      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,
      Doot-doo, doo-dn-do-doot,

       \  |  /
        \ | /
      ---( )---   [pwhohhhffhh]
        / | \
       /  |  \


Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

All shtick and lyrics © 1996 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.

Many thanks to (Dan Siemens) for sharing his pain.

> Unfortunately, at the time of writing, that miracle
> of science that allows grapefruit to travel through
> telephone lines had not been perfected.